so, as many of you are aware, we are currently jobless (and by "we" I mostly mean David) and looking. it stinks. big time. the last six weeks of my life have been full of ups and downs, times of faith & hope contrasted with desperation and hopelessness. in my brain I believe what David says about worry (that it doesn't do any good but it does eat away at my soul and my body), but it is hard for me not to get paralyzed by worry and fear. I feel it in my gut and it feels like I need to throw up. It's not fun. I am trying to "trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not unto my own understanding", but often I stumble and feel desperate. I panic about whether we'll be able to stay in this house and neighborhood and ward, all of which truly feel like home to me. I want to stay here desperately, so the desperation makes me fearful. I know it wouldn't be the end of the world if we had to leave, but where we lived before I was so unhappy and friendless that I fear not getting so lucky again.
during all of this, I have made an effort to enjoy life as much as I can (the free stuff in life, you know) and to be grateful for all that we have. I am extremely grateful every day for our good health. A woman I don't know well, but have friends in common with, has a very young daughter who was recently diagnosed with leukemia. We have two wonderful mothers in our ward who have cancer. My current difficulties and stresses pale in comparison to theirs. I know all this and am very grateful for what we do have. Even still, it is hard to be in this situation. Even though we don't explicitly believe or preach that righteousness=prosperity and that hardship is the result of sin/wickedness, when I am going through trials and tribulations I can't help but feel that I am somehow not deserving of the blessings which I am petitioning Him for. Often I feel all I can do is to say, "Lord, I believe. Help thou my unbelief." and hope that He'll come to my aid.
one of the points of all this rambling introspection is to say that I am working on being more grateful. my dear friend andrea highly recommends it, especially during the rough times. so if i include a little "i'm grateful for" at the end of post or as a post standing alone, you'll understand where it's coming from.
tonight I'm grateful for the sisterhood of Relief Society and unexpected wisdom from women I don't know well.