I should be finishing my work for today, but I need a break.
So I alluded a long time ago to "lots of thinking" that I'd been doing. I won't go into the long, rambling details (I tried once and the blog post never made it past the initial brain-dumping stage), but I will say that the biggest thing I've learned through this trial of no-job/little income over the past year is that we absolutely have to enjoy the present as much as we can, because it might just be as good as it gets. I know some friends of mine follow Nie Nie , who was in a serious plane crash and has a prolonged, painful recovery. (And when I clicked on her blog, she has as part of her description "as good as it gets," how's that for coincidence?) I don't follow her blog at all, but I did peruse it once and was impressed at her positive attitude and determination. Shortly after Leif was born, I noticed some symptoms that had the potential of being very serious. Likely in part because I was pretty hormonal, but also because there was nothing I could do to rule out serious illness, I panicked for about a week or so. What it it WAS serious and I was going to die? The thought that was most devastating was that of leaving behind these three kids and David. I no longer cared so much about our financial situation or anything else. And I realized that the reason the present is so important is that it is truly all we have. All the months I spent largely in a state of worry had been wasted. The thing I feared most, losing our home, hadn't happened. But was I happy? Did I see the blessing of having lasted this long? No. I was then able to stare the "worst possible scenario" in the face and see myself being okay on the other side if it did come to pass, whereas before I'd broken down with worry every time the thoughts lingered in my mind for any length of time.
So, there are still moments of panic and worry, but I've gotten much better at giving that burden to the Lord and only carrying that which I can handle. So life is good. Probably as good as it gets, even.