Hello Again!

If you grew up like me on the "oldies" music of the 50s-70s, that title might start you singing the Neil Diamond song.

I both can and can't believe it's been over two years since I posted anything here. In that time I've probably posted a few hundred pictures on Instagram and who knows how many Facebook updates. It seems silly to wax nostalgic about blog posts, but I do. Blog posts were usually longer and more insightful than Facebook and Instagram posts. More like a conversation over coffee and less like passing quickly in the grocery store. I remember the delight of seeing that a friend had updated their blog on my little blog reader widget. I honestly can't remember the last friend's blog that I looked at. It makes me sad. And I know that for me, personally, planning and composing blog posts was a lot more satisfying and challenging that just quick updates and posts on social media are. I guess I do maintain the boys' homeschool blogs for their required weekly reports, but it just isn't the same.

I've really been struggling lately. Feeling rather overworked and underpaid and just all around burnt out on this whole mothering/homeschooling gig. It's been hard to get motivated to get this next year figured out. Everything I would start to think of just sounded like work and I have felt completely devoid of any spark at all.  I have been feeling like the daily grind had finally ground me down to a point where there just wasn't enough me left. And of course in that mindset, everything feels worse and I have struggled with an unusually high amount of negative self-talk.

Looking over the past few years, I have come to realize just how much having the twins changed me. I honestly don't feel like it is an exaggeration to say that it broke me. I had so little contact with the outside world during their first 18 months and the crazy intense survival mode of the first year had me so inward focused that in some ways it feels like I forgot how to be a part of the world. I have had a lot more social anxiety since they were born, and often feel profoundly uncomfortable in groups larger than about 10 people. I also feel more different from others than I used to, which I am pretty sure is just a lingering effect of having spent so many months inside my own head as my only real companion. That and chronic sleep deprivation can change a person.

I have more to write, but am messaging my sister-in-law as I try and compose this, but I hope to get back on here soon. I need it. Even if no one reads it, it is good for me to put thoughts to words.

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