23 weeks

with the twins. 

Dizzy, new lyrics!

Well, here's what happens when you wake up at 4:45 and can't fall back asleep.   Scroll down, start the video in the last post, and sing along! (You know you want to!)

Dizzy, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool it never ends
And it's you babies makin' it spin
You're making me dizzy

First time that I saw you kids, I knew just that my life was gonna change
And I have to say the thought of you two, it still feels really really really strange
I'm glad to have you on the way, but this thing I have to say
I'm going round in circles all the time

Dizzy, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool it never ends
And it's you babies makin' it spin
You're making me dizzy

When I thought there was just one of you it seemed I had it all under control
 But now between the two of you, you've captured more than a small part of my soul
My brain's so wired, I can't sleep, even though you don't make a peep
A good night's rest is now an elusive goal*

Dizzy, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool it never ends
And it's you babies makin' it spin
You're making me dizzy
my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool it never ends
And it's you babies making it spin
You're making me dizzy
you're making me dizzy


*I don't particularly like the way this line works, so if you have any suggestions.... :o)  You know, if you're up early/late sometime and need something to ponder on.  Hey, I'm a giver, what can I say?  

Also, do you think "you babes" would be better than "you kids"?  Pressing issues, these.

*Edited to add, I agreed with Melissa and changed it to "you babies".  :o)

my head is spinning

For the past 36 hours (ever since the ultrasound), my mind has been racing.  I think I've probably cried almost a dozen times.  I'm excited and terrified.  I feel deep down a peace, but it is hard to feel as everything swirls through my brain. 

Last night I was reading a discussion thread in a twins forum about "What items have you found most helpful in caring for twins?"  As I read through people mentioning special nursing pillows, double strollers, having two swings, two bouncers, et cetera, I realized that when I was just having one baby, I felt like an expert.  Been there, done that, whether it was a boy or a girl.  I'm a bit of a minimalist when it comes to baby gear, preferring breastfeeding to bottles, babywearing to strollers, holding in arms to bouncers or swings.  That all works pretty well when you only have one baby.  Now that there will be two, I feel like a first time mom all over again.

 I saw a thread on one of the twins forum  about "How do you get your twins in and out of the car?"  What?  That's a question worth discussing?!  And of course as I thought about it, it does require some planning.  You can do the two "bucket seat" thing so you can set one down while you get the other one in, and that seems to be very popular.  Which makes me think, I've never used an infant carrier seat because I didn't like the idea of the baby spending so much time in a "bucket".  But is it even remotely practical to try and figure out a workaround?  Thankfully I have older kids who can hold and carry babies, but not for extended periods (I'd be too nervous having Noodle carry an infant all around the grocery store, for example.)  If not, then I have to buy TWO infant bucket seats?!  Yikes!  And what about a stroller?  Between our umbrella stroller and our baby jogger we've done fine for the past three kids, but now it's a whole new ball game.  It just seems crazy to be buying new baby gear for the last ones. 

So, I'm probably going to be blogging a lot more.  I don't pretend this will be of much interest to anyone (though maybe other twin mamas), but it'll be a nice way for me to journal and maybe stop my brain from spinning endlessly in circles. 

I think I could rewrite the lyrics to the above song and make it relevant to my current state of mind with the twins.  :o)

Oh, the irony!

After Sprout was born, I felt like there was probably one more child that was supposed to come join our family. This was an odd feeling, as after both Noodle and Spud's births, I was so overwhelmed that I felt very comfortable NOT thinking about any additional children for quite some time.

 We weren't in any rush to conceive #4, and as it turned out, it happened about 10 months ahead of what I'd decided was a good time. David had requested that I finish up with pregnancy by the time I was 35 as a safeguard to my long-term health, and I thought that was wise. We both felt good about the addition of a fourth child and the timing seemed pretty good, even though it wasn't according to our tentative plan. At my 17 week appointment, my midwife's assistant measured my uterus and the fundal height was measuring about 4 cm ahead. After having birthed 10+ pound boys, this didn't seem that unusual to me. I remembered having growth spurts during past pregnancies. And, in all honesty, as it wasn't my midwife doing the measuring, I felt there was some room for error as I didn't know how skilled the assistant was with that sort of thing.

Last Thursday I went to have my next appointment, and was 21 weeks 3 days along. The fundal height measured 34 centimeters! And I'd gained 20 pounds (which I knew from tracking at home). I was really frustrated as I've been diligently making an effort to eat healthfully and not an excessive amount of calories. Plus I have been exercising quite regularly. I had some thyroid issues likely caused by too much weight gained when I was pregnant with Sprout, so I am hoping to avoid that this time around. My midwife suggested that I might want to consider having an ultrasound to check things out.

Tuesday evening we went in for the ultrasound. As soon as the tech put the device on my belly, we saw two bums and knew what we were in for. It was surreal. I can't even accurately describe the variety of feelings that washed over me. There was excitement, relief at it being two and not one with any problems, gratitude, and I think around the edges of every emotion there was a bit of panic. David and I grabbed hands and held on for the rest of the ultrasound, which takes a fair amount of time when there are two babies to inspect!

They call the baby closest to the cervix Baby A as it will be born first, and the other baby is Baby B. When she told us (and showed us) that Baby A is a girl we were delighted. We had been hoping for a girl to help balance out the ratio of boys and girls around here. About 20 minutes later we got around to Baby B (we had to take a break in there as the reclined on my back position makes me feel light-headed after a while). And Baby B is a boy! Both babies are growing on track and look healthy. Baby B is actually about a week ahead in size.

Well, here's where the irony comes in. David and I have long agreed (ever since my sister had twins almost 11 years ago) that "Twins are God's way of saying you can stop." Since we've been very clear about this being our final child, it was obvious that it was our plan to stop at four. I guess this means God approves of this being our last pregnancy, but he didn't agree with us stopping at four. I guess we should have said we were going to have six, then pulled a fast one and stopped at four!

In all earnestness, though, we are excited to have both of these little ones join our family in a few months and are feeling pretty amazingly blessed. But still overwhelmed! I finally was able to fall asleep at 3:30 this morning, only to be wide awake again shortly after 6. I feel like I'm wired on an insane amount of caffeine, but it's just my brain going into overdrive trying to process everything.

So, yeah. Good times, noodle salad.

Diaper break!

Two weeks ago I started potty training Sprout. He is typically very resistant to new things and had developed an odd fear of sitting on the potty. So I expected it to be a long, unpleasant week. The first couple of days were indeed quite challenging. He would fuss every time I said it was time to sit on the potty, and ended up "saving" anything until he was wearing either a naptime diaper or a "leaving the house" diaper. I did learn from this, though, that the kid could hold it a LONG time. Which I thought was good to know going forward.

After about three days, he actually did pee in the toilet, and this was a huge step forward. Oh, prior to this I'd put together a super deluxe candy jar (2-4 skittles at a time didn't seem quite motivating enough any more) and taped up 9 brand new still-in-the-package Hot Wheels cars on the bathroom door. Every time he peed he could pick a candy and every poop would earn him a car. His very first poop in the toilet was about the size of a peanut M&M, but I didn't want to discourage him, so it counted. That first week he had one #1 accident and one #2. I had him help clean out the #2 accident as I'd read that was supposed to help cement it in the kid's mind that this is really inconvenient.

Yesterday he earned the last of the nine cars and thus earned what he had said he wanted for his potty training reward a few months ago: a big stuffed Angry Bird. (He actually got a big one, a small one, and a small green pig because I found the latter two on a really great sale).

When he sits on the toilet, I allow him to play Angry Birds on the iPad, which has also been a good motivator and a good way to keep him sitting there without me always being in the room.

He is still in a diaper at naptime and bedtime, though over 90% of the time he is waking up dry, so I don't think we'll have to do that much longer, either. I am able to use some of the snazzy cloth diapers I recently purchased for this (he grew out of the other kind I had quite a few months ago and had been in disposables ever since), which is nice as it is difficult to reuse a clean disposable diaper more than a couple of times before it just gets all bunched up.

I am very much looking forward to a diaper free (nearly) six months, and glad to be done dealing with "big kid" diapers, especially.

And I'm sick again

Lame. I've been out for the count going on 11 days now, which is beyond frustrating as the weather has been amazing but I spend half the day resting in bed. The kids all have the same thing I do, but seem to not have the same severity of symptoms. I started on antibiotics last night, so I am hoping that this is in fact bacterial and that I will turn the corner soon. Rather than bore/disgust you with a catalog of m symptoms, I will instead tell you some happy news.

I'm pregnant! We will be welcoming Baby #4 at the end of September. That is partly why this illness has been so distressing, as there are lots of medicines you can't take and I've also had some fever problems, which can be dangerous for the baby. We are hoping and praying that everything is still going fine, though.

sick

This has been a sickly week around our household. Noodle started us off, then Spud & Sprout followed (the two of them are the only ones to have vomited), then after a night spent helping Sprout and sleeping little, I fell prey on Wednesday. Not fun. And it seems David has gotten a bit as well, though he usually holds up better than the rest of us if he can keep it from settling in his chest.

So, the house is a huge mess. Which at least now I have an excuse for, though I am trying to muster up some energy now to clean the downstairs so it will be more pleasant to hang out here this evening. We'll see. Obviously I am stalling by writing on my blog, so you can see it isn't a really high priority.

On Wednesday, when I felt really awful, I got over 250 pages read and it was so delightful. I really need to figure out a way to read more in my "regular" life. I think it too often feels too decadent and I can't justify it when there is so much WORK to do, but I seem to not have to justify facebook, email, general internet searching, etc. Something seems a little wrong there.

Last week the kids and I went to a performance of The Merchant of Venice at BYU. It was really great, and while targeted at children, still used Shakespearean language. I had neither seen nor read this play before, and was happy to learn that it is the source of a number of famous sayings, such as (paraphrased} "If you cut us, do we not bleed?" It was a very moving tale of justice and mercy, and I was glad for the food for thought it gave me. Yesterday we saw the ballet The Snow Queen (also at BYU). I actually do rather like to watch dance performances, but think that about an hour is just about perfect for those types of things. I definitely prefer musicals and plays to ballets. It may be due to the fact that I really like words and like having the dialogue/lyrics to focus my attention on.

Well, this is not any sort of interesting, really, but it will still count for a blog post for the month (shall I neglect to come up with anything more stimulating to post later), so there you go. I really appreciated the comments and feedback from sharing my talk with you all. It has continued to give me good stuff to chew on as I try to figure out what areas in my life need improving right now.

a little blog CPR...

Man, I am so far "behind" in regaling my three readers with tales from my life that I fear it is useless to even begin to catch up. I am also very far behind in reading tales from all the other bloggers out there. I guess that is what happens when life hits.

But, in other news, I had the opportunity to give a talk in sacrament meeting on redemption. I was really grateful for the opportunity to prepare the talk as it was a wonderful topic to mull over for a week. I was not, however, grateful to get up in front of everyone and actually give the talk, as about half a dozen sentences in, the emotions ran high and stayed there the entire time. But from all accounts, I was still intelligible, so there you go. I got a lot of positive feedback afterwards which made me really grateful that I'd decided to get personal rather than just stick with the standard platitudes. So, for anyone who might be interested, here it is:

Redemption
by Mindy Gonzalez
January 22, 2012

What is meant by Redemption?

Elder Curtis said that to redeem is to buy or to buy back.
Synonyms include set free, rescue, ransom and restore to honor.
One dictionary definition stated compensate for the faults or bad aspects of something, as in "a disappointing debate redeemed by an outstanding speech," or
"the sacrament meeting program, with its uninspiring talks was redeemed by the excellent musical performance". (Though I do hope that this talk won’t need too much in the way of redemption.)

I feel like this definition is very relatable for me. Christ compensates for my faults and can strengthen me and rescue me from both the effects of the frailty as well as help me overcome the actual frailty.

One more point I would like to share about the definition is from the Bible Dictionary. The last sentence of that definition says simply
"He redeemed us with his blood."

When I read that earlier this week in preparation for this talk, it hit me right in the heart. How does he redeem us? Not with money or persuasive arguments or sheer physical strength, but with his blood.

I think that growing up Christian and as members of the church, many of us take for granted the amazing, incredible gift of the Savior's Atonement and sacrifice for us. It is easy to let it just become the background in our lives. The problem with this is that you can't appreciate the "background" things in your life. Friday I was driving on the freeway and one half of the sky was bright and sunny and the other half was covered with fairly dark clouds. But on the dark side of the sky, there was a small window where the clouds parted enough to let the sunlight come streaming down on a small area of the mountain. It was truly breathtaking and made me think of the power of light over darkness. But when we are surrounded by light, we don't fully grasp the beauty and power of it.

Something I first read years ago in what has become one of my favorite novels has stuck with me and helped me to view the Atonement from a fresh perspective. This is the story of an Indian boy, named Piscine, son of a zookeeper, who is raised Hindu but becomes fascinated and ends up falling in love with both Christianity and Islam.

“Catholics have a reputation for severity, for judgment that comes down heavily. My experience with Father Martin was not at all like that. He was very kind. he served me tea and biscuits in a tea set that tinkled and rattled at every touch; he treated me like a grown-up; and he told me a story. Or rather, since Christians are so fond of capital letters, A Story.
And what a story. The first thing that drew me in was disbelief. What? Humanity sins but it’s God’s Son who pays the price? I tried to imagine Father saying to me, “Piscine, a lion slipped into the llama pen today and killed two llamas. Yesterday another one killed a black buck. Last week two of them ate the camel. The week before it was painted storks and grey herons. And who’s to say for sure who snacked on our golden agouti? The situation has become intolerable. Something must be done. I have decided that the only way the lions can atone for their sins is if I feed you to them.”
“Yes, Father, that would be the right and logical thing to do. Give me a moment to wash up.”
“Hallelujah, my son.”
“Hallelujah, Father.”
What a downright weird story. What peculiar psychology.
I asked for another story, one that I might find more satisfying. Surely this religion had more than one story in its bag—religions abound with stories. But Father Martin made me understand that the stories that came before it—and there were many—were simply prologue to the Christians. Their religion had one Story, and to it they came back again and again, over and over. It was story enough for them.
[Martel, Yann. Life of Pi, 53]

Now that we have defined what redemption is, what are we redeemed from? We are redeemed both physically and spiritually, as we have need of complete and total redemption.

In Ether 12:27, the Lord states "I give unto men weakness." I find it interesting that as part of our earthly experience, when we are physically separated from our heavenly father, flying solo in a lot of ways, that he gives us weakness. It seems like giving us strength would be a much better idea. But we are weak, and in such a wide variety of areas.

So why the weakness? Who sends their children off on a long journey and give them some additional impediments? It doesn't seem like a very good parenting strategy, so why do it?

For one reason: So we will come unto him. When we come unto him, THEN we can become strong. We aren't intended to be strong alone, we are supposed to be strong FIRST through Christ and then WITH Christ, able to stand at his side. Because only in Christ will we find complete fulfillment. All other sources of strength will eventually fail. As the 4th article of faith says, we must FIRST have faith in Jesus Christ.

In Elder Curtis's talk, he references several stories of redemption, all based on similar scenarios: person has strayed through sin, comes back to the Church as he or she is changed and redeemed by the power of the Atonement and goes on to be serviceable in the kingdom and it's even better if they become some sort of leader or have children who become leaders. These are great stories because the contrast is so poignant. Mormons love these sorts of stories, think Alma the Younger, Alma the Elder, Paul, King Lamoni. In the lives of these people, it is so easy to see the power of the Atonement in changing their hearts and their minds. Obviously the Atonement works because they have truly changed! We can all marvel at such a powerful redemptive force at work.

But I don't think it is enough for us to appreciate how others are redeemed through Christ's atonement.

In my life, I don't have a tale of redemption like those shared in Elder Curtis's talk, though I do love to hear such stories. They testify of the amazing power of the Atonement to work change in our lives. But I've never strayed much off the strait and narrow path, so I haven't had to be redeemed in that sort of dramatic fashion.

In Alma chapter 5, Alma the Younger is teaching his people about repentance and redemption. First he reminds the people that they should remember the captivity and the mercy of God in delivering their fathers from captivity. Then, in verse 12 he talks about the mighty change wrought in the heart of his own father as he listened to Abinidi speak. (Again, appreciating the redemptive power in other people's lives.)

Verse 14 is very often quoted and I'd like to read it now,
"And now behold, I ask of you, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?"

This last part of this verse, about having experienced a "mighty" change of heart has always kind of niggled at me. I haven't felt a mighty change of heart, at least compared with what I expect the two Almas experienced. Does that mean that I haven't felt the redemptive power of Christ in my life?

The answer is an unequivocal no.

In my life, I have been redeemed from doubt. A few years ago, my faith in many aspects of the Gospel had wavered to the point that it made attending meetings and participating in personal prayer and scripture study dissatisfying and often very discouraging and frustrating. If I hadn't been a mother and a wife at the time, I very likely would have just quit participating in the church. But as it was, I felt obligated to keep trying before giving up on the Church. I didn't want to make a mistake that would affect more than just myself, so I stuck with it. But I also felt a responsibility to not just keep going through the motions. Would it be fair to raise my children in the gospel if I didn't believe it was true? It's a rather demanding lifestyle to participate in without have the belief to push one forward. The answers took a while to come, probably in part because I was often too upset to ask the questions. Sometimes I think I wanted to hold on to my doubt and frustration. But over time, as I slowly opened my heart, I felt the redeeming power of the Savior pull me out of my doubt. Verses 23 and 24 in Mark, Chapter 9 spoke to me: " Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help though mine unbelief." By putting forth the effort to believe, the Lord has helped my unbelief.

This isn't to say that all of my questions and concerns have been eradicated, but I have been able to see what is most important and also what can appropriately be placed on a really way back burner for now.

I have a friend who just a few months ago lost her only child in a tragic accident. As she has shared her thoughts with me, I have witnessed the redeeming power of the Savior operating in her life. But being redeemed from sorrow and grief and doubt isn't a one time thing for her. I see her drawing on the power of the Atonement on a daily basis, just to get through her pain. I have had times in my life when it felt like the only way to move forward was to do so on my knees, and I know that I received strength through Christ's Atonement during those times.

I think it is imperative that we fully accept and act upon Christ's role as Redeemer. What plagues us presently that we need to be redeemed from? It could be sorrow, fear, unkind thoughts, temptation, anxiety, impatience, disappointment or any of life's other challenges. To quote Elder Neal A Maxwell (this one is long, but really good, so bear with me),

"There is certainly no shortage of relevant clinical experiences, is there? Strange as it seems, we sometimes respond better to larger challenges than to the incessant small ones…. One can be sincerely grateful for his major blessings but regularly murmur over minor irritations.... Enduring large tests while failing the seemingly small quizzes just won’t do. Such shortcomings must be addressed if we are really serious about becoming more like Jesus.

While so striving daily, we will fall short. Hence the avoidance of discouragement is so vital. So where is the oft and much needed resilience to be found? Once again, in the glorious Atonement! Thereby we can know the lifting tide flowing from forgiveness.
Furthermore, by applying the Atonement we can continue to access the other nurturing gifts of the Holy Ghost, each with its own rich resilience. The Holy Ghost will often preach sermons to us from the pulpit of memory. He will comfort us and reassure us. The burdens not lifted from us, He will help us to bear, thus enabling, even after we err, to continue with joy the soul-stretching journey of discipleship. After all, while the adversary clearly desires our lasting misery, the Father and the Son truly and constantly desire our everlasting happiness."
[Elder Maxwell, October 1997 Conference "Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ"]

I have a very strong testimony of Christ as the Redeemer of the world. I am so grateful for the times in my life when I have undeniably felt His presence in my life and for his willingness to redeem my soul from fear and doubt and sin and death. In closing, I'd like to share 2 Nephi 1:15, which in my opinion is the scripture that does the best job of describing what it feels like to be redeemed:
"But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally the arms of his love." My prayer for me and for each of us is that we will more frequently seek His arms to feel that love.

halloween

Much to Noodle's delight, I made a marginal effort to have some more decorations this year. She thoroughly enjoyed doing the spider web on the door and drawing the Jack Skellington.

so much to do...

Well, I figure 3 months without any blog post means my blog is on its way to death, and that makes me sad. Sad enough, in fact, to give it an extra burst of life by posting something. Not only have I not been writing for my blog (though I did post one entry on my homeschool blog last month), I haven't been reading other blogs much, either.

David started a new job at the beginning of September. The same day we started our homeschool year. That was a hard week, with me thinking multiple times a day, "Why on EARTH am I doing this to myself, and my children, for that matter?!" About our third week in, some things seemed to click. Now we just finished week 5 and I feel like we have some good momentum going, finally, and it doesn't feel like I'm fighting to not lose "it" everyday. So hey, maybe we've turned a corner.

David really likes his job. It's about a 25 minute commute, so not too bad. With only one car, we were alternating having him drive and take the bus in September. For October we have opted to give the bus a try everyday. M-Th this week that worked fine. This morning he was too tired to do his standard early wake-up (5 a.m.) and then we ended up missing the 7:01 bus by literally one minute. So I had to drive him all the way to work, which turns into a 50 minute round trip drive for me. Which ate into my usual morning "work time". He usually catches the 5:57 a.m. bus and gets to work early and exercises for an hour or so before starting work for the day.

I have more stuff to blog about, but it seems like the sort of thing that merits its own post, so for now this will have to suffice.

I can see clearly now....

Last summer, Sprout got a hold of my glasses (which I only wear in the mornings, usually, before my eyes wake up enough for contacts) and broke off one of the earpieces (is that what they are called?). So I've been wearing "one-armed glasses" ever since. Plus the prescription was 8 years old and all that, which all added up to me not really being able to see very well if I didn't have my contacts in. But since I'm so blind, I have to get the ultra thin lenses, which means any pair of glasses I get is at least $100. But, I finally ordered some and they came on Monday. I can see AND they don't fall off my face every time I move my head. AWESOME!

Mormon Scholars Testify

A lot of what she says reflects my own feelings and testimony. Emily Bates

I believe that God is the source of goodness and doesn’t send bad things to the world—that the bad things and events come because of mortal life, our own bad decisions, and others’ bad decisions. I believe that, in general, the commandments lead to a good and happy life—that their purpose is to minimize the hardship and hurt in the world. I especially love the word of wisdom and see that as a great witness of God’s love and wisdom. I believe that God understands why we doubt, fear, and end up messing up a lot. I think it saddens Him because He knows we are sacrificing something good that we can’t see for some momentary fix. I have felt His love after I messed up and tried to come closer to Him again. I have felt redeemed and close to God after periods of neglecting that aspect of life. I believe strongly that family relationships and other deep relationships are necessary and important for us in this life. Learning to love and care for each other is one of the main points of life.

little high, little low

I seem to have a good week followed by a bad week. And not that events are bad, just my hope and faith and fortitude and all that stuff that is necessary to get me through this time of life. The last two weeks I felt really positive about life and even the uncertainty of our future in so many areas didn't get me down, but this week has been a lot harder. I guess that's just life, but I sure wish I could hold on to the good stuff more permanently.

My friend Julie had linked this Mormon Message on Facebook, and it made me cry like a baby. It was an appropriate reminder for me this week. I wish the things that DON'T matter most mattered even less and didn't cause me such anxiety.



We did go to the park last night because my niece wanted me to take some pictures of her (she is recently returned from a mission and doesn't have any current ones for her sweetie who is out of state all summer). Here's an album: Fun times

And here is one of my favorites:

here's the story...

of a lovely ducky!

Monday night the family went on a bike ride down to the lake. We climbed out on the rocks next to the flooded docks and the kids had fun being rock monkeys and tossing rocks in the lake, while David and I enjoyed the view. On our way back, Zion noticed a lone duckling swimming along the side of the river. The bank was higher in this part than in other areas, so there was a fair distance between us and the duckling. We watched it for several minutes, hoping its duck family was nearby, but no other ducks were in view, and we hadn't seen any other ducklings along the trail. The kids, especially Noodle, really wanted to try and get it, but we discouraged it, and David said, "You want that duckling, you need to pick two pets to get rid of." We end up deciding that we probably can't help it, and we head home. The entire way, though, I was thinking about the little duck and how I want the kids to WANT to help others, whether little creatures or other people, and how if we DID help the duckling, this would be something they'd remember for years. And they'd also remember it, and worry about it, if we did nothing.

So after we returned home, I snuck back outside with a little plastic cage and a butterfly net. I wasn't able to find a working flashlight, so I figured it was all for naught as the sun had already set and it was quite dark. But I still wanted to try. I rode as fast as I could pedal back to the river trail and back to the area where we'd last seen the duckling. I got off the bike, took my shoes and socks off and rolled up my pants. I listened for its peeps, but didn't hear anything. I chirped, and then heard a response.

I had to wade into water about up to my knees, then climbed on a floating log and walked about six feet along there until I came to some bushes/flooded trees/branches (not sure) in the water. I chirped some more and heard a response out in the branches, out of my reach. I just stood there, peering into the darkness looking for movement and chirping periodically. Finally I saw the little duck swimming towards me. I couldn't reach it though. I kept chirping, and it swam a few feet away, so I stuck out the butterfly net and miraculously caught it! I was so surprised when I pulled the net back and it had something in it! What were the chances!? I also figured if I hadn't caught it that first time, the duckling might have been too spooked to come close to me again, so it was really fortuitous.

I put him in the little plastic critter carrier in my bike basket and headed home.

The kids all had a blast with him (me too!) and we would have kept it if we didn't have so much up in the air right now. We just couldn't commit to another pet right now. Today we took him down to a wildlife rehabilitator who has someone raising 6 or 7 other ducklings so it can join them. It definitely strengthened our desire to get ducks someday, though! So stinkin' cute and fun! I put an album up on facebook, too. You should be able to view it without an account.

More duckling!

At the rehabilitation place, Patti (the rehabilitator) had me help her hold a little flammulated owl with a broken wing while she administered some fluids. It was AWESOME! I am hoping I can figure out a way to volunteer there, as it is what I've wanted to do for YEARS!

P.S. David wasn't very upset...though I think he was relieved that my plan wasn't to keep it!

oh yeah, she's awesome

Here's the proof:

movie review + thoughts on challenges

I watched the Temple Grandin movie tonight. For those unfamiliar, Temple Grandin is a woman who has autism and when she was a child, the standard "treatment" for autism was institutionalism. It was also thought to be caused by an unloving/unresponsive mother during some critical phase of the child's early development. (Hell, compared to that, society blaming it on vaccines for a few years seems like a definite improvement.) Anyways, she has gone on to get a Masters and PhD and has revolutionized (not an exaggeration) the handling/care of livestock in the United States. Because of her autism, she sees in pictures and is uniquely able to see her surroundings as animals see them (particularly highly visually sensitive prey animals, like cows). It may seem like a simple or trivial thing, but I appreciated how the movie made the point that, in Temple's words "Nature is cruel, but we don't have to be." Even though the ending point for the cows is the same (they'll be killed and eaten), they don't have to feel fear, confusion or pain.

Her revolutionary ideas were ridiculed at first even when they had been demonstrated to work because they were new and upset the status quo. A thought I had while watching the scene of the demonstration of the very calm "cow dip" (which is when cows swim through a bath of stuff that kills parasites and whatnot) is that it made me wonder if perhaps God mightn't have looked down and seen how the cows were being treated and thought, "Those children of mine can do better than that. It isn't that they are cruel, they just don't see it." (I'm operating under the assumption that God approves of meat eating, at least to some extent, which I think he does even if I don't choose to consume it myself) And then he decided to send someone down who could see it. But in order to see it, she'd have to be different, because if she were "normal," she couldn't see it. Maybe she even would have signed up for that lot, given the option.

I have such a hard time going through challenges and having faith that I will come out on the other side of the challenge intact, let alone improved. I try so desperately to hold on to what I have now, what seems so important, that I am afraid my hands will still be clenched so that I'll miss them even if (when?) the blessings do begin to pour out upon me. I am sure that God looks down on me and wishes I could just see, or even just imagine, the brightness of life ahead of me. But I get so afraid. The uncertainty of the unknown future feels like all consuming darkness. I so desperately want a plan of some sort, even if it is a poor one, or unlikely to pan out. I really am trying to wrap my mind and heart around the concept of "..all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.." But I pretty much stink at it.

Anyways, the point is, for Temple Grandin, "all these things" were the ridicule and the difficulties she has experienced going through life being different - avoiding human touch, not reading social cues, poor interpersonal skills. They have definitely given her experience, and have not only been for her good, but have improved others lives as well. (And not just the cows...her improvements have greatly improved the lives of those who handle the animals.) It helps to think that our challenges have purpose, even if only to show us our weaknesses so we can be gradually strengthened as we go through life. Annoyingly, I can point to the times in my life when it has been really hard as the times when I have experienced the most pronounced growth. Hmph.

The best way out is always through.
Robert Frost

I've read this a couple of times now...

and it has been a powerful reminder of eternal truths each time.

Thanks Be to Our God

so awesome!

So a couple of years ago we found out that our backyard neighbor is the son of my dad's best friend (now deceased) from childhood. This neighbor sent me the following pictures the other day, and I think they are the youngest I've ever seen of my dad. They make me so happy. There is just something neat about being able to see your parents as children and realize they are essentially the same person they were then, even though they've been educated and "roughed up" a bit over the years. My dad turns 76 this summer.

all that and a bag of chips

I've decided that if I blog at least monthly, my blog is not dead. Aim high, right?

Last week for Earth Day the family and I headed over to the River Trail to pick up trash. It was a bit chilly, but the sun was shining and it was nice to get out and enjoy the trees in blossom and see just how crazy high and fast the river is flowing right now.

We had a nice time, picked up a garbage bag filled with garbage, including a number of soda cans for Spud's can recycling efforts (he and his Pop Pop make pretty good money...for a six year old, anyways). As we were finishing up by the new bridge over the river, the kids were exploring and Spud found an unopened medium sized bag of barbecue potato chips. It was probably somebody's stash or forgotten snack, but we claimed it as our own and enjoyed it as our reward for our good deed!

good times

It has been a rough couple of weeks, but some good points to mention:

We went to a friend of a friend's house for a dinner. This guy is a true foodie. The meal was amazing, and afterward he pulled out his "collection" of balsamic vinegars. I had no idea that there was such a wide variety of balsamic. We had a tasting of about 10 different vinegars, some of which ran up to $5-600/bottle, and these were NOT large bottles! We learned all about the aging process of the vinegar as well. I have to say I was not immediately enthused about the idea of a vinegar tasting, but the flavors really were delicious. It was fun to taste the different "notes" of the various types. (Look, I'm sounding like a foodie now.) Yum.

Seeing Hairspray with five awesome friends at the Hale Center Theater last week. I wish I could go a few more times. It was SO fun. I had seen the movie version (we own it, actually) and really enjoyed it. The cast was amazing! I really loved the person who played Tracy. The only downside was not being able to get up and dance along during a few of the numbers.

Field trip to the Provo Airport with the Boys Club (plus sisters). It was really neat. The kids got to sit in the airplanes (these were little 4 seaters), take a turn on the simulator, and learn a ton from what has to be one of the greatest tour guides. He is a UVU flight student, but he was so friendly and engaging. It was really fun and I could tell the kids were just eating it up.

Fabulous book club discussion today about the book Joan: The Mysterious Life of the Heretic who became a Saint. The book itself was very inspiring, but our discussion turned to how we can find our own path and mission and have the faith to step out into the unknown and trust that we will find something solid to step on. It was really what I needed this week.

Also, I am addicted to Sammy's battered fries. And we had an AMAZING peach cobbler shake. Soooooo good. Those are right up there now with The Cocoa Bean's Love Potion frappe. So much delicious goodness.

I am so grateful for good friends to share this life with. It really means a lot to have people who care and are willing to share their lives and help bear our burdens, and also those who enrich our lives just by making it so much more enjoyable.