squabble squabble

So, the benefit of the weed-pulling has waned a bit, and I found myself needing to find a better way to deal with the kids' squabbles. Part of the problem is that they don't have as many full-on brawls now (which is good, and I attribute that to the weed pulling consequence) so it is hard to "punish" them both together. Now we just have more of the pestering and annoying each other, and then the coming and crying to a not-very-sympathetic mother. I've been telling them, essentially, to get over it and try not to get so bothered by these things. That doesn't seem to work. (In retrospect, and with the insight I'm gleaning from Siblings Without Rivalry, I can't believe I expected it to work at all. I know that my feelings don't improve when they aren't at least acknowledged as valid. I think I forget that my kids are human just like me sometimes.

Anyways, on the homeschool board I frequent, there was a thread about sibling squabbles and a couple people recommended the above-mentioned book. I got it last night from the library. It's great. I didn't realize at first that it is by the authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, which I read years ago and thought was excellent (I think I'm going to reread it after I finish the Siblings one. Also, last night david and I read in Matthew 5 the verses about how the new law is not an eye for an eye, etc. So this morning during devotional I gave a lesson abut those verses and likened feeling angry to pooping. I said that both things are a normal part of life, and talked about how even babies experience those things, but they don't know what to do about it, so they just let it out. As we get older, we learn that we can't just poop wherever we are. Also as we get older, we can learn appropriate ways to deal with our angry feelings. I demonstrated expressing in appropriate words ("I am so angry/frustrated by this" but no name-calling), with appropriate actions (hitting a pillow or jumping up and down), or drawing a picture/writing out words. It seemed to sink in with the kids, and I'm sure we'll all need reminders, but David is going to make a sign that we'll hang up, so that will help too. I'm happy to feel like I have some new tools to use, though. There are a a couple other thoughts I want to share, but I'm tired of typing 1-handed.

i'm rubber, you're glue...

So that phrase from childhood (or PeeWee Herman, if you didn't use it in childhood..I don't think I really did, either) popped into my head yesterday as I was reviewing some recent encounters with Spud. Suffices to say, he has been a bit of a pill lately. For a not quite four year old, the little guy has amazing reasoning capabilities, which (lest you start thinking that's a good thing) makes it only that much more frustrating when he deliberately chooses to be unreasonable. It's difficult to capture in words exactly what he does, but he manages to take every single word of your request (okay, order) and either find a way to question its meaning or just blatantly misinterpret it. And this is of course done in that awful whiny tantrum voice, usually when I am trying to work and not wanting to be interrupted or distracted by whines and tantrums.

Anyways, the past couple of days I have been particularly patient and nonplussed during these encounters, and we seem to be averaging two or three a day. It has been a great example of how they say you need to keep your cool when dealing with children so they don't feed off your emotions. I give Spud sufficient explanation and if he persists with the fuss, I give him the option of removing himself or being removed by me (with a time out to follow). Every time, he manages to get control of himself and goes off after maybe 3-4 minutes, and while they seem like very long minutes, I haven't had to do much besides speak calmly. So, while his negative words and grumpiness may not be sticking on him (which is great), I do feel like it is bouncing off me.

We'll see if my rubberness can hold up. I hope so.

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An example of recent encounter:

Spud: "Mom, I want to have some root beer."
Me: "No, not right now, I'm working. Plus, we'll probably have root beer with dinner so you don't need any right now."
Spud, with a whine entering his voice: "But I'm really thirsty for root beer RIGHT NOW!"
Me: "I'm sorry, you can't have any right now."
Spud, now laying on the floor, angrily: "I WANT SOME ROOT BEER!"
Me: "Not right now."

Spud then begins the tantrum, including all the lovely phrases about how he hates me and I'm the worst mother in the world. After a couple of minutes of this, he says, loudly: "I'm NEVER going to share my popsicles with you. You'll come up to me and say,'Can I have a popsicle?*' and I'll say, 'NO!' And I'll never share with you."

Me: "That's okay, I don't really want a popsicle."
Spud: A bit more fussing
Me: "Now I need to get back to work, so you can either leave or I'll take you upstairs to have a time out on your bed."
Spud fusses a bit more and I restate his options. He then heads out of the office saying, "I'm just going to leave and I'm NOT going to have time out on my bed!"

And that was the end of it.

*The funniest part was, this line was said in a completely normal, non-tantrumy voice.